And Then There Were Two!!

Its April 15^th, we being the good little tax-payers promptly submitted an extension on our taxes. Life is good. Husband, Beny and my Parents are all-well. Things are progressing smoothly, the work situation is not great, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I almost have my book finished (another topic completely).

Beny is a little over a year old, she is amazing, every day she brings more light and love into our world. She is joy personified, even when throwing a little fit because she wants her own way. Of course, we had talked over the past year about the negative aspects of having an only child, and all of the negatives would impact Beny directly. She will be dealing with older parents aging sooner than her friends parents alone, caring for ones’ parents alone without other siblings assistance must be challenging, but Beny will have to deal with it at a much younger age. As much as we didn’t want Beny to be an only child we knew there was no other option because of our age. It is the hand we were dealt, no big deal. My sister, Marisa, is constantly raising the topic that we should be giving Beny a sibling, its not in the cards.

My little safe bubble gets a surprise, I don’t like surprises, I like my planning and I like life to proceed accordingly. Our attorney from last year, Mirisa calls. Come to find out she is no longer in private practice, Beny’s birth parents showed up at her office and met with her ex-partner. The surprise is Birth-Mother is six months pregnant, yes, six months. Never did that topic arise throughout our periodic conversations. The Birth-Parents maturely recognize that they can not take care of an infant, they are just getting their life back together, and are working on caring for their older children. Here is the big question, “Will we adopt this new baby?”

My immediate response is a resounding “NO”, this is not a good time in our lives, I am job-hunting hoping to start a new job soon, this won’t work. Our new attorney, asks us to please think about it, this is a rare opportunity to have the opportunity of adopting full siblings from birth, she offers to make things easy for us, payment plan for attorney fees, etc. She asks that we think about it for twenty-four hours, though the birth parents are very anxious to know our response and they would like to know as soon as possible. I think to myself, ‘Really, it would have been nice to know six months ago, before I gave away all of Beny’s outgrown clothes’.

Conversation with Husband:

Me:                 Mirisa called, Birth-Mom is pregnant.

Husband looks at me speechless, well, speechless isn’t new for him, but the lack of a visual physical response is.

Me:                 I also talked to attorney-partner, she has asked Birth-Parents for 24 hours to allow us time to discuss and think about it.  She thinks this is a miracle that we need to really consider. But, I am starting a new job this summer, how could we ever do this? How can we afford this?

Husband:        People afford a second child all the time, but it doesn’t seem like it’s the best time for us. Is it a boy or a girl?

Me:                 I asked, presumably it s girl but no evidence as such, so we truly don’t know. Ok, I am calling her in the morning and telling her No.

Husband nods.

I sleep well, confident in our decision. We can ask a couple that has been attempting to adopt who live near of us if they are interested, the children could at least see each other periodically. And, if they aren’t interested there are lots of couples interested in adopting an infant – there is nothing for us to be concerned about.

Its morning, I am getting ready sitting at my vanity when Husband walks in.

Me:                 I have to call the attorney by noon.

Husband:        Yes

Me:                 Well, what are we going to tell Beny later in life when she finds out we had the opportunity to raise her with a full sibling, ‘Sorry, baby, but, it wasn’t a good time in our lives?

Husband:        So you are saying we should do it?

Me:                 Yes, but we need to talk to Mom and Dad to make sure they are in agreement, adding another infant to the house changes everything, and they already help a lot with Beny.

Husband:         Yes, they have to be in agreement or we don’t do it. And, tell Birth-Parents, the shop is closed, not to call us in another 15 months.

I talk to my folks, of course they are in agreement, they love Beny so very much there is no way that another child wont be another blessing. I call the attorney and tell her we are in.

Emails start pouring in from the Birth family, seems like we were the last to know that we were going to be asked to add this baby to our family.

There are two important facts I have learned about my life in the past year, the first being that I am not in control of my life. Oh, there are things I can control, many decisions I have the right to make however, there are certain big-ticket items that only God controls and no amount of planning will alter that reality, at least in my opinion. Secondly, I have learned my life is filled with miracles, beautiful miracles, I just need to be aware of them and allow myself to accept them.

This new child, a girl, yes, another girl - I tell you God likes toying with me - is a one of those miracles. It is now May, the baby is due mid-June, we have time, lots of time for the background checks, the state home study, and the paperwork. It takes a little work but we get sign-off from Birth-Mom to talk to her OB/GYN, of course there has been no prenatal care to speak of. Her new doctor requested a sonogram, when we talked she was concerned about the size of the fetus, she felt the baby was too small for her gestational age. When the sonogram results came in the doctor called me, and said, everything is fine, the baby is not due until mid-July making the fetus size in line with what it should be, at the earliest we are looking at and around June 28^th.

I sigh with relief, more time, good. We can prepare, I can complete the several interviews that are on my schedule. Whew, more time, we can do this, save money, purchase what we need, all is well in my world.

What we do have prepared is her name, try as we did, we could not decide nor agree on any other name but Yve Thérèse Pérez Gómez - Yve, because I have always loved that name of course with a Y, because of my name and Thérèse after my patron saint.

May 24^th, we are at my cousins wedding, and our attorney calls, Birth-Mom is in labor. NO! I am supposed to have at least four more weeks maybe even six more weeks. I am on a plane on Monday, Memorial Day, I am no where near ready for this child. Though the blessings were abundant, miraculously abundant, Mirisa and her husband offered that I stay with them saving an unforeseen amount in hotel and rental car fees. Jose, my parents and I are eternally grateful to Mirisa, her husband and her children not only for the great blessing they granted us, but also for allowing me the opportunity to get to know them better. Mirisa is a very special spirit, she is an Angel on Earth, she is one of those rare individuals that’s intelligent, kind, truthful, sincere and real. I don’t consider her to be an Angel only for what she did for me, but, for the many she has helped, for her concern for Humanity and the children the world over. Her children are wonderful young people, bundles of joy, with caring hearts. The uniqueness of her children is amazing to me, they are very different in personality but, their love for the world and others is the same merely expressed differently. God Bless her husband for putting up with me, he opened his home and family to me. One of the many things I learned in the three weeks I stayed with them is how I want Jose and I to raise our daughters in how they treat each other.

Yvie, nicknamed by Mom, is early, and is in the NICU. She is not born addicted to drugs, though as a late-term preemie still needs a lot of physical maturity. The doctors could not commit to me how long she would need to be in the NICU. During this time, I am interviewing via Skype from Mirisa’s, from the hospital, whatever I can do, but, it has come time to complete an in-person interview in Iowa, will Yvie be discharged in time? I talk to Yvie explaining to her that she must learn to suck-swallow-breathe and consume several feedings consecutively for 48 hours in order to be discharged. We make it, Yvie is discharged on Thursday, we depart on Friday in time for me to come home for a few days, transition care to Husband and Mom and depart on my interview. Yeah!!

It was hard being away from Beny for so long, she had been fussy, looking for me according to Husband and Mom.

This adoption was smoother, we are grateful to the Birth-Parents, and the Birth family on both sides. I got the opportunity to meet my daughters other siblings on this trip, they are all beautiful and intelligent children. We hope that our girls will have a relationship with them, that is our goal. 

Beny fell in love with her sister, to this day she hugs and kisses her, sometimes a little roughly. As Beny brought blessings and joy to our home, Yvie brings her own gifts to us, she brings miracles and luck.

Welcome to your family Yvie, today you are two months old, and we can’t imagine our lives without you.

I am working on downgrading my planning efforts, though I doubt I will achieve much success, I will keep you informed. 

Profanity in the World of a Toddler

There are certain words and phrases in the English language that unequivocally convey the condition of one’s emotional state to perfection. Employing such words is an art form, an art form in which I excel, actually the only art in which I excel. However, I have mastered the ability not to employ this specific art in front of children and adults who do not appreciate such colorful expressive art. Of course there is the school of thought that believes the use of such linguistical art is against nature and God, my belief is that God appreciates our conveyance of emotions – She told me so. And, I certainly think it is within my right considering the male half of God toyed with females by allowing us to age differently than the male population. That reality alone deserves the right to employ such verbal art.

In my fourteen years as an aunt and my year in a half as a mother I have refrained from verbally expressing myself artistically in front of children with the exception when in the presence of one of my sisters. Marisa has certainly expressed herself colorfully through the years though abhors the use of artistic verbal expression in front of children. However, my middle sister, Dina’s achievement of linguistical verbal art has entirely surpassed mine, I’m so proud, our communication even in text may employ certain phrases merely for entertainment purposes or conveyance of our current emotional condition. During our twenty’s while living together if one of us sneezed and the other didn’t reply with a ‘bless you’ within a nanosecond the other would say “Bless me Bitch’, and we would comply with love. In Marisa’s presence I will employ linguistic art simply to annoy her, though I hadn’t realized until this writing that I do it to annoy – its like a flip is switched when in her presence, we are sisters after all. I believe there is a deep psychological reason for this, it must be that over the past two decades she has been tardy to every scheduled family event with the exception of Benecia’s first communion/our wedding since I promised that the ceremony would begin with out her. Actually, I think I also gave her a start time of an additional thirty minutes early to ensure her timeliness. Consequently, for all intents and purposes my verbal art is not utilized around Benecia who is now fifteen months old, therefore I hold no responsibility for what has ensued.

A few days ago when Mom was making dinner the pot boiled over on the stove, Mom on occasion moderately artistic herself, though traditionally through the use of Spanish verbal art said with gusto “Shit!”.  It was only said once and not loud at that, but, Beny being the ever intelligent toddler heard it, and liked it and proceeded to repeat it herself with a tremendous amount of enthusiasm. So now we have a toddler walking around the house, occasionally dropping something and artistically expressing herself with “Shit! Shit! Shit!” nodding her head with each ‘shit’ as a physical exclamation mark. However, I am tremendously impressed she was able to capture the purpose and appropriate use of the word. Of course there are times she says it just to hear the word. We try very hard not to laugh so as not to encourage her, though Mother whispered to me last night, “ask her to say ‘shit’”, cause it is a little funny, and I had only heard it the first time missing all her subsequent artistic expressions. I thought better of it for two reasons, one I am an adult and two, I didn’t want to annoy Husband. Don’t get me wrong I annoy Husband plenty and actually enjoy it on most occasions, for some reason I thought this wasn’t a good idea – I think I need to dig deeper as the why of this. There are many occasions in which I am not an adult, though now as a parent I should try to be an adult more often, hence I refrained from encouraging her to say it – though I really wanted to.

It is important to note that I am relieved of all responsibility of teaching Beny how to express herself artistically. Also, toddlers learn at an amazing pace, she has a vocabulary of at least 100 words, now 101 and understands everything. I have Husband teaching her how to make strange sounds such as “baththththth” just as a funny and Mom teaching her how to appropriately use the word ‘shit’. I wonder when we will teach her the alphabet.

 © Yvonne B. Pérez and The Life and Confessions of an Older Mother, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Yvonne B. Pérez and The Life and Confessions of an Older Mother with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.