The Pizza of Feeding a Toddler

I assume all Mothers have the best of intentions; I know that I certainly do. As an older mom I have been allowed more time on the Earth to bear witness to many other Mothers, granting me the opportunity to formulate an infinite amount of opinions of how I would do things. So here I am in my middle years, knowing without a doubt what the best food options are for my toddler.

I made sure that we did not feed Beny solid foods too early, I wanted to ensure that her digestive system was healthily formed and practiced in the digestive process. When ready for solid foods I made sure that she was fed only single food items for a minimum of five days to minimize food allergies or at least bear witness to the cause of a food allergy. She didn’t have cows milk until she was 14 months old, no lactose intolerance for my little girl. I measured (even if most of the time it was mental calculations) the grams of protein vs. complex carbohydrates at each meal. Simple carbohydrates were kept at a minimum for the first fifteen months, and it was pretty limited to Cheerios and nutritious whole grain baby cereal.  I vowed I would never feed her fast food, french fries or any other unhealthy food item.

What I have to come to learn is that toddlers’ are a persnickety breed. Their favorite food choice changes daily, literally, and leftovers are not an option at least not for my little Peanut. 

Our Toddlers meal options are like a selection of various pizzas. There is the very healthy all veggie pizza made with whole grain flat bread (minimizing those nasty carbs). I actually do feed her only veggie meals, such as garbanzo beans with a mixed vegetable side, or a homemade (by Grammy) pinto bean soup with slices of fresh carrots – it’s healthy and she likes it. Of course there are the evil fat filled mouth-watering pepperoni pizzas with the melted cheese dripping over its side. Bad mother that I am she has had that for dinner also, because it was what we (the adults) are having and because it was easy. Of course, there are the middle of the road pizzas with minimal cheese, chicken, vegies and a side salad. That is more the norm in our household, but, we have to work at it to keep the meal balanced.

If life never got in the way, and if I were June Cleaver or Carol Brady (at least she had a housekeeper) I would grow my own vegetables, cook them with only healthy oils and fresh herbs, all while living in a preservative sugar-free household. But, sadly I am not, I am me; a Mother that loves to work, a Mother with other interests, a Mother that requires alone time or I get persnickety, a Mother that really does not enjoy housework. A Mother that knows better but doesn’t always do better because I have other things to do.

Basically, that is the crux of it, isn’t’ it? I want my daughters to grow up to be their own person, and not live up to any ideal standard of perceived perfection. I just want them to try and do the best they can. However, I want them to love endlessly, respect humanity and Mother Earth, respect themselves, honor the God or Goddess (as they choose) and know that no man is perfect on Earth. I want them to know that our imperfections are what make us all equally perfect.

© Yvonne B. Pérez and The Life and Confessions of an Older Mother, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Yvonne B. Pérez and The Life and Confessions of an Older Mother with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

And Then There Were Two!!

Its April 15^th, we being the good little tax-payers promptly submitted an extension on our taxes. Life is good. Husband, Beny and my Parents are all-well. Things are progressing smoothly, the work situation is not great, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I almost have my book finished (another topic completely).

Beny is a little over a year old, she is amazing, every day she brings more light and love into our world. She is joy personified, even when throwing a little fit because she wants her own way. Of course, we had talked over the past year about the negative aspects of having an only child, and all of the negatives would impact Beny directly. She will be dealing with older parents aging sooner than her friends parents alone, caring for ones’ parents alone without other siblings assistance must be challenging, but Beny will have to deal with it at a much younger age. As much as we didn’t want Beny to be an only child we knew there was no other option because of our age. It is the hand we were dealt, no big deal. My sister, Marisa, is constantly raising the topic that we should be giving Beny a sibling, its not in the cards.

My little safe bubble gets a surprise, I don’t like surprises, I like my planning and I like life to proceed accordingly. Our attorney from last year, Mirisa calls. Come to find out she is no longer in private practice, Beny’s birth parents showed up at her office and met with her ex-partner. The surprise is Birth-Mother is six months pregnant, yes, six months. Never did that topic arise throughout our periodic conversations. The Birth-Parents maturely recognize that they can not take care of an infant, they are just getting their life back together, and are working on caring for their older children. Here is the big question, “Will we adopt this new baby?”

My immediate response is a resounding “NO”, this is not a good time in our lives, I am job-hunting hoping to start a new job soon, this won’t work. Our new attorney, asks us to please think about it, this is a rare opportunity to have the opportunity of adopting full siblings from birth, she offers to make things easy for us, payment plan for attorney fees, etc. She asks that we think about it for twenty-four hours, though the birth parents are very anxious to know our response and they would like to know as soon as possible. I think to myself, ‘Really, it would have been nice to know six months ago, before I gave away all of Beny’s outgrown clothes’.

Conversation with Husband:

Me:                 Mirisa called, Birth-Mom is pregnant.

Husband looks at me speechless, well, speechless isn’t new for him, but the lack of a visual physical response is.

Me:                 I also talked to attorney-partner, she has asked Birth-Parents for 24 hours to allow us time to discuss and think about it.  She thinks this is a miracle that we need to really consider. But, I am starting a new job this summer, how could we ever do this? How can we afford this?

Husband:        People afford a second child all the time, but it doesn’t seem like it’s the best time for us. Is it a boy or a girl?

Me:                 I asked, presumably it s girl but no evidence as such, so we truly don’t know. Ok, I am calling her in the morning and telling her No.

Husband nods.

I sleep well, confident in our decision. We can ask a couple that has been attempting to adopt who live near of us if they are interested, the children could at least see each other periodically. And, if they aren’t interested there are lots of couples interested in adopting an infant – there is nothing for us to be concerned about.

Its morning, I am getting ready sitting at my vanity when Husband walks in.

Me:                 I have to call the attorney by noon.

Husband:        Yes

Me:                 Well, what are we going to tell Beny later in life when she finds out we had the opportunity to raise her with a full sibling, ‘Sorry, baby, but, it wasn’t a good time in our lives?

Husband:        So you are saying we should do it?

Me:                 Yes, but we need to talk to Mom and Dad to make sure they are in agreement, adding another infant to the house changes everything, and they already help a lot with Beny.

Husband:         Yes, they have to be in agreement or we don’t do it. And, tell Birth-Parents, the shop is closed, not to call us in another 15 months.

I talk to my folks, of course they are in agreement, they love Beny so very much there is no way that another child wont be another blessing. I call the attorney and tell her we are in.

Emails start pouring in from the Birth family, seems like we were the last to know that we were going to be asked to add this baby to our family.

There are two important facts I have learned about my life in the past year, the first being that I am not in control of my life. Oh, there are things I can control, many decisions I have the right to make however, there are certain big-ticket items that only God controls and no amount of planning will alter that reality, at least in my opinion. Secondly, I have learned my life is filled with miracles, beautiful miracles, I just need to be aware of them and allow myself to accept them.

This new child, a girl, yes, another girl - I tell you God likes toying with me - is a one of those miracles. It is now May, the baby is due mid-June, we have time, lots of time for the background checks, the state home study, and the paperwork. It takes a little work but we get sign-off from Birth-Mom to talk to her OB/GYN, of course there has been no prenatal care to speak of. Her new doctor requested a sonogram, when we talked she was concerned about the size of the fetus, she felt the baby was too small for her gestational age. When the sonogram results came in the doctor called me, and said, everything is fine, the baby is not due until mid-July making the fetus size in line with what it should be, at the earliest we are looking at and around June 28^th.

I sigh with relief, more time, good. We can prepare, I can complete the several interviews that are on my schedule. Whew, more time, we can do this, save money, purchase what we need, all is well in my world.

What we do have prepared is her name, try as we did, we could not decide nor agree on any other name but Yve Thérèse Pérez Gómez - Yve, because I have always loved that name of course with a Y, because of my name and Thérèse after my patron saint.

May 24^th, we are at my cousins wedding, and our attorney calls, Birth-Mom is in labor. NO! I am supposed to have at least four more weeks maybe even six more weeks. I am on a plane on Monday, Memorial Day, I am no where near ready for this child. Though the blessings were abundant, miraculously abundant, Mirisa and her husband offered that I stay with them saving an unforeseen amount in hotel and rental car fees. Jose, my parents and I are eternally grateful to Mirisa, her husband and her children not only for the great blessing they granted us, but also for allowing me the opportunity to get to know them better. Mirisa is a very special spirit, she is an Angel on Earth, she is one of those rare individuals that’s intelligent, kind, truthful, sincere and real. I don’t consider her to be an Angel only for what she did for me, but, for the many she has helped, for her concern for Humanity and the children the world over. Her children are wonderful young people, bundles of joy, with caring hearts. The uniqueness of her children is amazing to me, they are very different in personality but, their love for the world and others is the same merely expressed differently. God Bless her husband for putting up with me, he opened his home and family to me. One of the many things I learned in the three weeks I stayed with them is how I want Jose and I to raise our daughters in how they treat each other.

Yvie, nicknamed by Mom, is early, and is in the NICU. She is not born addicted to drugs, though as a late-term preemie still needs a lot of physical maturity. The doctors could not commit to me how long she would need to be in the NICU. During this time, I am interviewing via Skype from Mirisa’s, from the hospital, whatever I can do, but, it has come time to complete an in-person interview in Iowa, will Yvie be discharged in time? I talk to Yvie explaining to her that she must learn to suck-swallow-breathe and consume several feedings consecutively for 48 hours in order to be discharged. We make it, Yvie is discharged on Thursday, we depart on Friday in time for me to come home for a few days, transition care to Husband and Mom and depart on my interview. Yeah!!

It was hard being away from Beny for so long, she had been fussy, looking for me according to Husband and Mom.

This adoption was smoother, we are grateful to the Birth-Parents, and the Birth family on both sides. I got the opportunity to meet my daughters other siblings on this trip, they are all beautiful and intelligent children. We hope that our girls will have a relationship with them, that is our goal. 

Beny fell in love with her sister, to this day she hugs and kisses her, sometimes a little roughly. As Beny brought blessings and joy to our home, Yvie brings her own gifts to us, she brings miracles and luck.

Welcome to your family Yvie, today you are two months old, and we can’t imagine our lives without you.

I am working on downgrading my planning efforts, though I doubt I will achieve much success, I will keep you informed. 

Adoption Here We Come - Finally

I have now been in Seattle for almost three weeks, living under circumstances of incredible stress. There was the stress of finalizing the adoption, stress to make sure Benecia is well, stress of being at the hospital all day, but all of that was manageable when compared to the stress my job was causing.  I was still working while Beny was hospitalized, I would wake around 4:00 am, get ready and work from 5:00 am to 11:00 am at the hotel, race to the hospital and be with Benecia until 9:00 to 10:00 at night. I worked some more while she was sleeping, my sister the consummate nurse warned me that NICU nurses are very particular and don’t think that parents should do anything other than focus on their child. She further warned that the first time they walk in to Beny’s room wanting to talk to me and I indicate that I can’t talk because I am on a conference call, she said ‘its going to get ugly’. I figured if the worse thing I did was piss off a few nurses, then I am still good. My sis recommends too feed the nurses, they always respond to food! Actually, I did discuss my work situation with all of the care-takers, they were great, they understood and watched for when I was on a conference call when entering the room.  I am running on exhaustion, adrenaline fumes are the only thing keeping me going in addition to caring for the little one.  My first error regarding the baby while under stress is that I spell her name wrong on the Birth Certificate, we had agreed that she would be named “Benicia”, I submitted it as “Benecia”, oh well maybe the extra ‘e’ will bring her good luck.

Here is the first concern, I have a new boss, someone I don’t know, someone who never has time to talk, someone that doesn’t make time to meet any of his direct reports until 90 days into the job.  Lets call him Mr. Self-Serving.  The irony of the situation is that three months prior to Beny’s birth, two different people who had worked with him for over five and ten years shared his personality traits as they knew them with me without any of us knowing that in the near future I would be reporting to him. As they recounted their experiences and observations it came down to ‘he will always look for someone to blame to make himself look better, he will sacrifice a member of his team to solidify his position and illustrate that he takes action, if you agree with him and do what he wants without any opposition then he considers you part of his team, in a nutshell his loyalty does not extend past his own personal objectives’. Obviously, I am in a great situation. Further illustrated by our first conversation lasting a total of five minutes, at which he made me sound like I walked on water, the savior of the company, a workforce not to be lived without. That conversation raised tremendous red-flags to me, how can anyone give seemingly endless flattery to someone they do not know nor have seen operate. I know I am in a bad situation. I think my work will speak for itself, as long as I perform I should be okay as we work through the professional-relationship bonding experience. I was wrong! So now I am operating under the tremendous stress of work.

The second concern revolves around FBI finger-prints. Everyone over the age of fourteen that will be spending a significant amount of time with the child requires an FBI background check, as the Mexican Ewing’s this includes my parents. Beny is doing well, getting ready for discharge, the problem is without FBI approval the state of Washington will not allow us to return to Texas with the baby until my parents have been cleared. Panic sets in, I am exhausted, worried about my job, about parents finger prints and my nerves have literally been torn away from my body, exposed to the elements and scraped back with a blunt instrument, I am so not in a good place. I am trying to be at peace for Benecia’s sake, I don’t want her picking-up on my stress, though I know that she does. We have my parents fingerprints taken over six times by different governmental agencies, who knew that fingerprints wear out when a person ages. I am pretty much ranting to anyone that will listen, including Husband and parents. Though I do manage to be calm during work hours and through conversations with governmental agencies. Which is critical, cause now I have to convince the FBI to run their background checks without valid prints. In a hotel room I sit and wait with baby and Husband until cleared to go home, after a few days of walking an emotional tightrope we are finally released to take our daughter home.

We are so excited, we are finally taking her home. I dress her in a cute outfit, with matching blanket and cap. When we get to the airport awaiting to board, my cute dainty baby has a blowout, her first, dirtying her entire outfit. Because I am a planner, I am prepared, I have two additional cute outfits for her to wear on her first plane ride.

This entire adoption process holds vast lessons for me to learn, God has to hit me over the head with greater force each time he wants me to learn something. I pray that I can teach my daughter to not only have faith (of which I have endless amounts) but to also trust in that faith, the right path will always open up when it is God’s time. Though God and I are still in negotiation regarding his time and my time, I am still young, I have lots of time to learn.

Benecia is a delight, she is our blessing, she has brought joy and greater love to our home and family. I can’t imagine my life without her. Her every smile is a reward in my day, in our day. She is my daughter. (I still think its funny that I have a daughter.)

Lessons for My Daughter and Nieces

The lessons I desire for you may or may not be significantly different that those of a younger Mom, however, my wisdom is deeper just by virtue of my years on earth, so I theorize that my lessons are more varied and graver in nature.

1.     Be Mindfully Aware: Don’t just watch the car in front of you be aware of at least the two cars in front of him. Of the car directly in front watch in what direction the tires turn, if the brake lights are on, and the consistency of speed. If you are watching (monitoring) the car in front, and the two cars in front of him you will have a more complete picture of what can occur allowing you some time to prepare if not completely avoid the situation. There are negative situations that can be avoided with the mindful driving through life.

If you are only watching the person in front of you, then your vision is limited, leaving someone else’s actions to create an action that may impact you directly. You want to be aware of how the person in front of you will respond to external influences outside of his direct control, because they can and usually do impact you in some way. If you are close to the person in front of you, next to you, whatever, there are potential possibilities that will impact you and even potential collateral consequences some positive and some negative. As with driving if you maintain the proper distance you have time to alter your actions according to the situation in order to maintain your safety, it is the same with people. Be aware of your surroundings, physically, emotionally, personally and professionally. This is not a warning to avoid people, it is a lesson that regardless of how good of a driver you may be (or how well you are handling your life) there are unintentional consequences originating for those around you that will impact your life.

2.     Wear Sunscreen – always. No exceptions.
I know you hear this all of the time, but this is truly a must for anyone in the sun. I rarely am in the sun, don’t like the overbearing heat, and can’t abide sunbathing, for me it is a waste of time, but, then again I have trouble relaxing. In my twenties I would sunbathe with friends, topless no less to achieve an even tan, but I always wanted to be reading, hard to do when the book is creating a shadow blocking the sun. So it’s probably just my issue. However, the need for sunscreen protection is an issue for everyone.

Not only does sunscreen protect you from the harmful aspects of the Sun, as magnificent as it is, but it also protects you from early aging.
I have been driving for over thirty five years, with my left arm in the sun holding the steering wheel, and if you look closely my left arm is more aged than my right arm, the left side of my face has sun spots which I don’t have on the right side.
In our youth protecting our skin is not a critical factor when planning a day out, however, prepare, one day you will look at your skin and wonder why you didn’t take the extra 3 minutes to apply sunscreen.

3.     Respect Your Youth:
When young it is human nature to take one’s youth for granted, the youthfulness of your face and body, the natural glow that only belongs to the young, the agility of movement without physical restrictions and/or pain and the lightening speed of thought into action.
Youth is fleeting, the young never imagine that their youth will someday evaporate like a drop of water on a sizzling hot road, but it will.
Know that in general women age differently than men. As men grow older they look distinguished, as women grow older they look ‘spent’. Of course some of the effects of aging can be mitigated by diet and exercise, start early, you will never regret it, stay away from processed, unhealthy, chemically loaded foods – if you don’t get used to the sugar, flavorful chemicals, and carbs, then you will never miss them.
Break time, I have to go get a Diet Soda.